My Grandma Had a Heart Attack

To my family who may be reading this - I appreciate you bearing with me as I record my recolection of the date Grandma passed away into the history books, in written form. Thank you in advance for understanding.

Forwarning to my readers - I will be journalling about the day my Grandmother died - when you spend 15 minutes with me, you never truly know what you are going to get! :)

My Grandma was up climbing a ladder the day she died. It had been stormy that day in December, and she felt she needed to "batten down her hatches". The climbing of the ladder didn't cause her heart to give out, on the contrary, doing things at 80+ years old, like climbing ladders and gardening, and shovelling gravel, is what kept her heart going as long as it did.

My daughter and husband were away in New York City traveling to see the Van Gogh exhibit (my daughter's favorite artist - we even named our dog after him), my oldest son lived out-of-state, my second oldest was at a movie theater and the remaining four children were at home.

THE CALL

When I got the call from my Aunt about the heart attack, initially I was taken back.

"Grandma had a heart attack... she died."

"Wait what?!" I had just seen her the day before. She gave us all hugs and said, "See you next Friday." Like she did EVERY Friday.

For over twenty years, we as a family had gotten together on Fridays for lunch at 12pm, "noon" exactly. We would eat sandwiches with the crusts cut off, chicken nuggets, pizza, kid food. After our lunch, we would have some form of Oreo or Hydrox cookies and ice cream. Her favorite was Moose Tracks. She loved ice cream with "chunks" in it. She always made sure however to have some form of Black Cherry ice cream for Grandpa, and a plain type (maybe vanilla) for our son Andrew. The Crystal Light always flowed in its yellow Tupperware pitcher (the kind with with the push button lid on its tippity top). Grandma was our Saint of Sanctity, and Friday afternoons were our day of rest.

SHE DIED ON A SATURDAY

No one knew she had "heart issues", how could someone with such a pure heart, have "heart issues"? Sure she had been more tired than normal leading up to the heart attack, and I could have picked up on the cues when I asked her at the kitchen table how she was doing, and she mentioned she had a virtual appointment with the Doctor the following Tuesday, but everything about that last Friday was routine and ordinary. I look back and think about how glad for that I am.

I think we live life sometimes expecting everyday to have dramatic twists and turns. We end up moving in and out of our days not just expecting the perverbial shoe to drop - but we end up going through our days depending... no DEMANDING the shoe to drop because it is only when the "sh&* is hitting the fan" (pardon my French) we feel ALIVE. So to be able to look back and not remember what we ate that Friday, how the ice cream was, or what movie we watched is a blessing to me. It means that when I associate my Grandmother with anything, she is associated with peace and calm.

"Grandma is dead."

"Okay... where is she now?" I asked this because in my mind, the coroner had already picked up her body and I was asking my Aunt to tell me where "THEY" had taken her. I'm not sure why - what did I need that information for?

"She's right here on the floor."

My Aunt's response startled me. The thought had never occured to me that there wasn't some form of clean-up crew when a human body died that immediately came, picked up, and took it away. Typing the phrase "Clean-up Crew", makes me pause and smile. You see, whenever I would be out on a walk with my Grandma and we would see a Turkey Vulture, a rat, a mouse scurry by, or beetles and bugs doing their job clearing away the scraps of nature's trash my Grandma would lean over to me and say... "Ahh, Jehovah's little Clean-Up Crew, doing their jobs..." then she would smile at me and give me a comforting pat. She had a knack of being able to take any gross, disgusting, horrible, horrifying situation and turn it around into something Jehovah inspired or God ordained. She was Romans 8:28 in the flesh, a true living Epistle...

"we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

So there I stood in my kitchen in shock asking myself, "What do I do now? How do I process this information?". I had been going through our basement organizing it getting ready to pull out our Christmas decorations so there was stuff EVERYWHERE. It was like chaos ontop of chaos. I was home alone with my younger children - who I did not want to worry and before I knew it, I heard these words come out of my mouth, "I'll be RIGHT over."

I proceeded to lie to my kids about what I was doing, and where I needed to go in such a hurry. I don't remember what I told them. I calmly took my keys, got into my car and immediately began calling everyone I could think of in the 15 minute drive to her house. I called my mom, I called my husband, I even called my son who happened to answer his phone in the middle of the movie theater during he was watching. "I'm on my way mom - I'll meet you there."

SUPERNATURAL POWER - OVERWHELMING LOVE

If you have never gone through an experience like this, and are fearful about one day receiving "the call", I hope this journal entry encourages you. First, I DID NOT have any idea of how to respond to the situation. GOD DID. I am convinced it was the Holy Spirit in me, who said to my Aunt "I'll be right there." Secondly, I DID NOT DRIVE THE CAR TO HER HOUSE. Love did. As I was driving (like a bat out of heck I'm sure), on my way to her house, I prayed with my mom and my husband for the peace that passes all understanding to guard my heart and mind. As I continued to allow the vehicle to go on auto-pilot (Jesus take the wheel), my entire car began to be filled with the LOVE of God. Oh how I loved that woman. I loved my Aunt, I loved my Grandpa, I loved my kids, how did I love them?

I loved my kids by not losing my cool, and yes, by lying to them about where I was going - I had to see the situation for myself.

I loved my Grandma soo much that thinking about her still being on this earth - even in a deceased state - couldn't keep me away from her.

I loved my Grandpa so much, that I couldn't imagine him losing his life-long best friend and having to go through that without me.

I loved my Aunt in a way my heart felt like breaking into a million pieces when I heard her telling me the 911 dispatcher she was on the phone with during the incident (my Grandma had called 911 for herself and passed the phone to my Aunt) had walked her through CPR, and she felt she must not have been 'strong enough' to do it properly.

I loved my husband and my daughter in New York so much, I didn't want them to hear their Grandma passed away from the Grapevine- I wanted them to hear it from me, in real time.

I loved myself so much, I called every prayer warrior I knew - including my MOM - and I loved my son, by giving him the opportunity to know first hand about his Great-Grandma. Him choosing to leave the movie, and drive straight to her house to be with me- was his way of loving ME.

This LOVE, this overwhelming LOVE at death is indescribable. I am now as I write this, beginning to see 2 Corinthians 5:8 in a new light "We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord."

Perhaps to be "absent from the body - and present with the Lord" means the presence of the Lord, the weight of righteousness which fills a person, the "cloak" if you will, that emanates from a man or woman of God when they pass from this earth can be so thick that even once their souls move on - the overwhelming love which remains is palpable. This is the only way I can explain my ability to remain calm, get behind the wheel and drive to my Grandma's house without compeletly dying myself.

As I walked through the front door, a door I had walked through a million times before, since I was able to toddle, the weight of LOVE never lifted. When I turned the corner to see my Aunt, our neighbor Jenny, Grandma and Grandpa on the floor together, I exhaled a deep sigh. I didn't cry out, I didn't scream, I wasn't even in shock. As I watched my Grandfather hold my Grandmother's hand and stroke her hair his face wet with tears, his eyes red as scarlet I thought to myself...

Do not disturb them. Sit on the couch next to them - look and see the Lord is good.

WOW. THIS JOURNAL ENTRY SUCKS.

I bet you had no idea when you opened this email, Facebook post, or Instagram "bio link" you were in store for such a heavy message. I have no idea why I wrote it, or who I wrote it for. Maybe just for me, I have never before written about that day. Having a journal entry about it is good. It is good for posterity because I am 99% sure one day, I will forget about it. After 3 years, the details, while still fresh in my mind, are beginning to float. They haven't floated away, but they are lifting, centimeter by centimeter - inch by inch. What a benevolent Creator we have in our Father in Heaven, that we are not eternal beings having to suffer day in and day out in bodies decaying away. How incredible it is that our memories eventually grow old with us, and our minds can be renewed, and our stories can be re-written all along the way until eventually those memories cease to exist and we are left to die in the moment.

Holy Spirit-

Someone right now is on the precipice of grief. They are expecting "the call". Like me, they initially won't believe it. They too will need to see it for themselves. Someone in their lives, a person who means more to them than their own life, is at death's door. Comfort them Holy Spirit. If you could send them a warmth they cannot explain to surround them and give them a hug. Let them know that whoever they are pre-mourning, whoever it is that they have regarded SO MUCH they can't imagine losing - will NOT LEAVE a void behind, but instead as they leave their body, the tidal wave of love that washes behind will be so overpoweringly WONDERFUL they should run- not walk - to their bedside to "catch a hold of it." Comfort them oh Father, that this is not their loved ones end, but just their beginning - the beginning of an eternal adventure for the one who has passed, and the beginning of a new life for the ones who are left-behind. A living legacy, because they now can carry on the torch of light which has been gifted through the death of a righteous man or woman of God.

-Jessicah

On my agenda today:

• Publish this post

• Take a deep breath

Jessica Heilman is Co-Founder, Designer and Author for 15Evergreen.com. You can learn more about her, her daughter, and their company by clicking this link: ABOUT US